My happiest moments these days are when I’m alone and open up my computer to write a new post for this blog. A few months ago, you would never find me sitting alone at a computer and content. I’ve always had this need to be surrounded by people and actively doing something until the moment I collapse into bed.
Yet something about treasuring this time to myself has really brought a deeper level of content, reflection, and peace. I originally started this blog as a place to unleash my creativity. There was a pre-planned goal for this blog — I would use it to actively seek the skills I needed for my future career and network. It’s only been 2 months since I dedicated myself to posting consistent content and it’s been so much more than what I “planned” for it to be.
One of my favorite Bible verses is found in Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
For as long as I can remember, every success I achieved was “plannable“. To do well on a test, I planned to study. To have great relationships, I planned to hang out. To be a good daughter, I planned to visit my family. Plan, plan, plan. And I would succeed. If I failed, I could just plan for the next success. Everything could be planned.
Strangely enough, after graduating, none of my plans for my future worked out. Let me emphasize that again: NONE. People had always told me this “transition” period would be difficult but it really shocked me beyond belief. I was struggling with everything from my relationships, finding a job, and my faith. And even in the midst of all that struggle, I tried ferociously to plan my way out of all the emotional strains that I was experiencing. Because if I planned to communicate better like my boyfriend wanted, planned to apply to at least 4-5 jobs every day, and planned to read the Bible every day, things would definitely work out…right?
Three months after graduation and here I am, I’ve planned every single day of this summer to squeeze the most of every second for my benefit. But, something clicked when I experienced the flood of freshman coming into UNC. I envisioned their excitement for their time at UNC and their hope for what was in store. I knew that there would be failures for them, no matter how hard they planned to succeed.
It was hard to admit but I realized I was trying too hard to support myself.. by myself. Especially when I had God right there, wanting to relieve me of my pain, wanting to guide me. I sat down and asked God to forgive me for my pride. This stemmed from the fact that I didn’t trust God to take care of me and to take care of the struggles that I was going through. I realized that I needed to reprioritize how I was spending my time. And so I end with some things I’ve learned to encourage you guys.
